SECTION 4
IROKOI [AFFAIRS OF LOVE]

5. SEX to Ai
[Sex and Love]

I think that sex is a very important thing. It's a very important matter between a man and a woman that can never be taken away.

In the case of a man, until a mutual relationship is developed, there will be a time when boundaries exist. However, when a man and a woman have a mutual relationship, because those boundaries have decreased [lit: the time is reduced], sex is important. After sex, I think the distance between them decreases.

Though now I'm really confident in myself, I was really horrible when I was a teenager. Because I wanted sex, I was so confused about my desire for it that I wanted to say "someone please stop it!" If I didn't have it daily, it felt like my day was unfulfilled. Nothing satisfied me.

Like Dracula hungering for blood, I had a craving for sex. I almost think now that I could have been called somewhat of a "vampire."

So I also went through that stage in my life.

Now, I sometimes think that at that time, I was really just sucking up the life energy of my partner through sex. I have a hunch that I was really transferring that energy to my own body.

The more you do that, the quicker your vitality will increase. The more your vitality increases, the more you want.

It's a feeling of thirst. I kept thirsting after sex. I couldn't go without it. That was the only thing on my mind. I was seriously worried that in being like that, wasn't I just a monkey?

"Someone, please stop me!" that was really what I felt like.

Though I was craving it, to me, there was just one rule that should not be broken. That rule was "do not masturbate." I swore to it on my heart.

I had great feelings of guilt over masturbation. After I did it, I would think "what the hell was I doing?" and then I would get attacked by a huge feeling of shame. I felt that I was worthless.

If I was in a relationship with someone, I would tell myself that I would act in a manner that would build up a mutual relationship with that person. When I wasn't in a relationship, if there was a way I could manage it, I would restrain myself.

So, there was no way I could be by myself. When I was thinking I wanted to masturbate, I would go out looking for a partner until I found one. Then I'd talk to myself to persuade myself.

"If you feel like masturbating, get up and go out!" I would say.

When I didn't have a girlfriend, I had my friends. When I didn't have any girls to associate with, I had people I could share feelings with. There were also people I used just for sex.

It was the same for both of us. Both I and my partner would have sex wherever we could till we'd had enough.

At that time, I would have sex all day. Don't you think that's stupid? Even while I was thinking "what am I doing?" I was having sex. It was one of the most challenging things I've faced.

I was not satisfied like that. I was sick; there was something wrong with me.

Though you might be laughing, in those days, I was seriously worried about this.

Now, I think that the spiritual peak of a young person and the physical peak of a young person are both very important.

However, if you slip off that peak, it might become a very bad thing. If young people put a cap on their feelings when they want to do something and restrain themselves, by the time they are older, they will reach that spiritual peak. However, by then, their physical peak is passing. In short, though you think there are things you want to do, it needs to be both a physical and spiritual want. If that happens, then you'll be satisfied [lit: have money]. If this is the case, it won't become like you are doing any strange pretending, right? When your body is weak, the spiritual part will make up for it in pleasure.

I think that people who do cosplay, S&M, image play, prostitution, or compensated dating are most likely people who have slipped off the spiritual peak. I have absolutely no desire to do any of that. I can't understand at all why compensated dating is necessary. [note: if you don't know what this compensated dating is, it's a popular "pasttime" in Japan where a girl, usually high school age, gets together with a man through a dating service and he pays her money for sex. It's basically prostitution under the veil of a dating service]

When I was a teenager, after this physical peak passed, the desire that I had for sex all the time completely disappeared.

Though the act of sex itself doesn't completely satisfy you, it penetrates into the body.

Now I am happy. This is because I don't have those uncontrollable urges anymore. However, this is not because my sexual desire has disappeared.

What's important isn't the deed of sex itself, but whether or not you feel it from the heart. If in your heart you don't have feelings for this person, your body doesn't function.

In the case of a man, even though you can function under those circumstances, are you merely going through the movements? You know in your heart what the best circumstances are. Telling yourself "Somehow I can manage," is completely different from saying "This is the perfect time." When you can say "This is the perfect time," then that is when you and your partner's hearts are perfectly matched.

However, the number of people who can share that feeling is extremely limited. Matching hearts. That, in the end, becomes the basis for sex.

Looks and style and personality are all good things. However, that doesn't mean that sex is right. Any relationship with those people won't last long.

If sex between two people doesn't fit, it's always all right to become just close friends or just casual friends.

Right now, I don't have anyone I can call a "girlfriend."

Of course, there are people that I love.

I often think "I really like this person" or "I love this person." However, these feelings are spur of the moment. It doesn't matter whether the person is a man or a woman.

Take Hyde, for example. When I'm with him, I always think "Wow, this guy is so amazing." That's also love, or feelings very close to love.

That smile is a sin. Since I first met him, I have thought that it would be great if Hyde was a girl. But dammit, he's a man!

If he was a girl, I would probably fall for him. I really go for types like him. No matter what they say, I'll listen.

If he or she said "Come here now," I'd leave work and go. The type of girl that I look for is gentle type like Hyde. If there was a girl like him, I think I would fall for her.

However…

In the end, it's never the girl that's interested in me. However you take it, it's always me who begins the interest.

I wish that there was a girl out there who could feel the same way for me…

The last time that happened was when I was 22 years old. While I was aware of her feelings, I wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the time. That was because my work was the basis of my life then, and love hadn't become a pivotal thing for me.

Conversely, I think a person who is in love is very happy. A situation where you can say "I can't see anyone other than you" or "If you're here, then I don't need anything else" is the happiest of all.

But for me, right now, work is most important.

Though love is very important, the time you are able to spend on love in your lifetime is very limited.

The time I spend with the group of people I call my family is much longer than the time I would spend with a girl that I like.

And I think, for now, that's all right.